Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
