there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
