I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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