WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
