If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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