captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
