I wish I only lived at night.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
