Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
