last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
