"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Oh god it's open bar.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
