i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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