dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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