I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
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I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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