I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
