life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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