even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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