I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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