The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
