I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
