Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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