we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
