Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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