I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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