Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
