btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
