just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just invented taco cereal.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
