my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
