you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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