you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
