Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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