I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
