Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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