The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I touched a dick in church today
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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