I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
