I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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