I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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