I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
