Your face is a jimmy john
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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