I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
