Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
