Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
