I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
