I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
