dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
