I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
