I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
