Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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