Umm I'm too high to move.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
