sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
