How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
People in love make me want to vomit
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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