You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
