and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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