this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
