He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
