I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
