I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
