4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
She is in my trunk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
