my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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